My wife found out Saturday through an ancestry.com DNA test that her dad is not her actual biological father. Her mother had a supposed one time incident with a man she found on Facebook through the names on the ancestry test. Her parents separated when she was 6. She wasn’t close with her dad over the years, but there was nothing ugly about it. Now she has been getting closer with him. She doesn’t want to tell him that he’s not her biological father, as that would hurt the relationship.
I told her she needs to tell him, because honesty is a building block of a relationship and that he’s still her father. If he finds out through the test that he took too (and didn’t put it together that she’s not his), then he will be devastated that she didn’t say anything. My question is, should she tell him or not?
I’ll support her decision either way, but I think honesty is the right thing. The right thing isn’t always the easy thing. I understand that her Dad, who raised her, will always be her true father to her.
Her mother made a mistake, I get that. But you’ve got to own up to your mistakes. Especially ones this big.
Considering the parents aren’t together, it’s not like the effect on the mother will be a divorce after decades of marriage to this man, so I don’t think that’s as big of a deal here. Is your wife certain it was even consensual? People here are quick to blame the mother for a mistake, but a one time event may be a rape, not necessarily an affair. I’ve got a nephew who was conceived through rape.
The father will probably catch on eventually, so even if your wife waits for him to realize what’s going on, she still needs to be prepared to tell him he’s been her father for all x years of her life and a printout of DNA results doesn’t change a lifetime of lived experience with him. She can’t control whether he chooses to stay involved or withdraw once he figures it out though, if he already withdrew once he may do it again if he values blood connections over social ones. On the other hand, he could be playing dumb in his interpretation of the results because he doesn’t want to lose the father/daughter relationship either.